Narcotic Love Cocktail.

Country Boy,


When I first heard you, your voice struck every nerve in me. Right thru me, like a lightning bolt. No matter what we spoke about I tingled every time. What was it? I have never felt it before, yes at my age.. never. What I did and how I got to the point of talking to you on the phone is shameful. No one should meet under those circumstances. I am riddled with guilt over it. I can hamper those awful feelings down for awhile, but they never leave. I keep myself miserably busy to hide.


Yet, just as soon as I have made contact with you, I am weak! I give in to what I feel and want more. Just like in November, I had a dream about you, worried until I knew you were OK. We communicated for a little bit and then I stopped right in my tracks! I get tripped up over my guilt and quit.


I want more and more of you without letting myself free, it is selfish of me. I should not even be talking with you. I can't give you anything, but a far away fantasy.


I find you to be my forbbin love. Why love? There is nothing else that I find to describe my addiction to you. I am completely 100% attracted to you, your sexual desires and just everything. From your dark hair, smile, age, long arms, skin, eyes, voice, the way about you, matter-of-factness, you like what you like and that is it. You work hard and faithfully. You have a dark soul that I just find infectious. Every time I think or have thought about you, I am completely lost. Lost in a place that is so overwhelmed with feelings. What is it that has captured my entire soul?? When I shake off the stupor of my unknown dream, I wonder why. Why can't I just leave it alone. I created a situation out of adultery. I am obsessing about something that is not real. Obsessed so much that I am completely exhausted. I have felt jealousy over you. I don't even know why, it is absolutely crazy. Given the fact that I have no place to even feel this. This was last year but still.. I could hear you texting the same time we would be talking on the phone. We were not even in a relationship! You never even expressed a feeling toward me other than sexual. Yet, I was talking to you sinfully and selfishly, and still felt something. I was putting me in the front of the line and didn't care about what others could be feeling or could have felt. I was blinded by an addiction that is only known to me. Makes me want to die inside.

When I saw your picture on facebook, I lost my breath, my heart fluttered and I was right back in the addiction again, immediately. I couldn't wait. Not knowing if you would acknowledge my request, because of the craziness about me, I waited. Pleasantly surprised with your return message, I couldn't stop myself from replying back. Knowing I was going down a path that has a road block. Now hear I am ready to hide, I have fished you in again and I am wanting to put the brakes on with the pedal floored at the same time. I want you but only from a distance. I don't want you to feel my ashamed body, but I want to feel your breath on me. I want to text you and hear you and feel you but I don't want you to see me. I have been completely disarrayed this week. Wanting your communications terribly bad. I was up all night last night, wondering why the heck you even want me to come see you. I am a complete mess and I can't even grasp what it is. Other than;


I can not be trusted. I will never feel that I can. I have convinced myself that I am a fake. All the good I am doing is a cover up for my unthinkable, irresponsible, unfaithful, whorish and stupid acts. I have been kind and caring to everyone but the one person who wanted it so bad. I hate that feeling more than I love being addicted to you. Why would a gorgeous young 23 y/o with no children, no baggage, could have any number of ladies, want a 34 y/o adulteress? What in the world could I do to make you smile when I contact you? I find no good reason.


When you cuddled me the first time we were together, that was messed up. You don't cuddle someone you are just having a fling with. Why did you do that to me? Why are you nice when you speak to me and the words in your texts are just the same. Don't you realize that I am what I did? On the other fucking crazy hand, I just want you to come and steal me away from life and take me somewhere no one knows me and I can just love you. Give you the love that is good and pure. I feel you desire to be loved. I want to let you feel what I feel. What is completely fucked up is that you don't even know this. Even more fucked up, I can't do it. I can not even go their. I am a complete mess, I tried to tell you in December.


That is why I feel so deeply about the words in "What Id Give" If I could just let myself be forgiven. It is been drilled into my head what I did and what I am. This mess of a lady is sooooo not for you and now that you have expressed a few feelings for me I am completely a wreck!. As you can tell by my blog that is all the fuck over the place. I need rehab for my narcotic love cocktail. Old ladies, work, cleaning, animals and flowers. 06-25-2010