Narcotic Love Cocktail.

Country Boy,


When I first heard you, your voice struck every nerve in me. Right thru me, like a lightning bolt. No matter what we spoke about I tingled every time. What was it? I have never felt it before, yes at my age.. never. What I did and how I got to the point of talking to you on the phone is shameful. No one should meet under those circumstances. I am riddled with guilt over it. I can hamper those awful feelings down for awhile, but they never leave. I keep myself miserably busy to hide.


Yet, just as soon as I have made contact with you, I am weak! I give in to what I feel and want more. Just like in November, I had a dream about you, worried until I knew you were OK. We communicated for a little bit and then I stopped right in my tracks! I get tripped up over my guilt and quit.


I want more and more of you without letting myself free, it is selfish of me. I should not even be talking with you. I can't give you anything, but a far away fantasy.


I find you to be my forbbin love. Why love? There is nothing else that I find to describe my addiction to you. I am completely 100% attracted to you, your sexual desires and just everything. From your dark hair, smile, age, long arms, skin, eyes, voice, the way about you, matter-of-factness, you like what you like and that is it. You work hard and faithfully. You have a dark soul that I just find infectious. Every time I think or have thought about you, I am completely lost. Lost in a place that is so overwhelmed with feelings. What is it that has captured my entire soul?? When I shake off the stupor of my unknown dream, I wonder why. Why can't I just leave it alone. I created a situation out of adultery. I am obsessing about something that is not real. Obsessed so much that I am completely exhausted. I have felt jealousy over you. I don't even know why, it is absolutely crazy. Given the fact that I have no place to even feel this. This was last year but still.. I could hear you texting the same time we would be talking on the phone. We were not even in a relationship! You never even expressed a feeling toward me other than sexual. Yet, I was talking to you sinfully and selfishly, and still felt something. I was putting me in the front of the line and didn't care about what others could be feeling or could have felt. I was blinded by an addiction that is only known to me. Makes me want to die inside.

When I saw your picture on facebook, I lost my breath, my heart fluttered and I was right back in the addiction again, immediately. I couldn't wait. Not knowing if you would acknowledge my request, because of the craziness about me, I waited. Pleasantly surprised with your return message, I couldn't stop myself from replying back. Knowing I was going down a path that has a road block. Now hear I am ready to hide, I have fished you in again and I am wanting to put the brakes on with the pedal floored at the same time. I want you but only from a distance. I don't want you to feel my ashamed body, but I want to feel your breath on me. I want to text you and hear you and feel you but I don't want you to see me. I have been completely disarrayed this week. Wanting your communications terribly bad. I was up all night last night, wondering why the heck you even want me to come see you. I am a complete mess and I can't even grasp what it is. Other than;


I can not be trusted. I will never feel that I can. I have convinced myself that I am a fake. All the good I am doing is a cover up for my unthinkable, irresponsible, unfaithful, whorish and stupid acts. I have been kind and caring to everyone but the one person who wanted it so bad. I hate that feeling more than I love being addicted to you. Why would a gorgeous young 23 y/o with no children, no baggage, could have any number of ladies, want a 34 y/o adulteress? What in the world could I do to make you smile when I contact you? I find no good reason.


When you cuddled me the first time we were together, that was messed up. You don't cuddle someone you are just having a fling with. Why did you do that to me? Why are you nice when you speak to me and the words in your texts are just the same. Don't you realize that I am what I did? On the other fucking crazy hand, I just want you to come and steal me away from life and take me somewhere no one knows me and I can just love you. Give you the love that is good and pure. I feel you desire to be loved. I want to let you feel what I feel. What is completely fucked up is that you don't even know this. Even more fucked up, I can't do it. I can not even go their. I am a complete mess, I tried to tell you in December.


That is why I feel so deeply about the words in "What Id Give" If I could just let myself be forgiven. It is been drilled into my head what I did and what I am. This mess of a lady is sooooo not for you and now that you have expressed a few feelings for me I am completely a wreck!. As you can tell by my blog that is all the fuck over the place. I need rehab for my narcotic love cocktail. Old ladies, work, cleaning, animals and flowers. 06-25-2010

Why

What did I do or not do to make you think that what you did was a good thing at the time you were doing it? Like a raging fire you were handing out your number as fast as you could and before you were even away from me. Trying to make plans to see others and hiding it all. That makes me feel like I am just a time passer for you. And more so, you were relieved to be getting away from me. Wether that be true, I can not help but feel that. You may just be so used to sneaking around that you couldn't be honest with yourself or most important, me. A lie can never be taken back and usually never repaired in ones heart. Everything I thought about you and what you were when you were beefing my feelings up before I came to you is under heavy thought. Why have me here when I am not your number one. You have many avenues in life and I just am not sure that you are ready for this one. Yes it is all new to you but I don't know what to feel, especially what happened so soon after we have just begun. You need other contact than with just me, just happens to be with other females. Females your own age, singles and ones taken. I have not had to be apart of this lifestyle for over 15 years and I am struggling.... it is only day 2. I am struggling with the fact that you left me to find others to keep you company.. via phone, texting and meeting up. Makes me ill and second guess everything I stand for and also why am I still here. Is there enough between us to mend this rift you caused? Can I find it in you, the sincerity of sorriness, for what you did and planned to do. Can I get over the thought that this will happen again and again? When you touch me, am I going to feel that pure touch from you that means I am your only thought of pleasure, what I do, how I do it and why I do it for you. What makes me love you?

What I gave for you Brandon!!!!

I don’t need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I’ve always needed something
But I’ve got all I want
When it comes to loving you

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You’re the hope that gives me courage again
You’re the love that rescued me

I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate

I love you more than anything Brandon...

Devine Intervention

How did this miracle happen?
That we're so very blessed,
So close…and more contented,
Than I ever would have guessed.

I never thought that I
Could spend each precious minute
With just one special person
And find happiness within it.

I know if I hadn't met you,
I wouldn't be really living.

We're facing life together;
We're handling joy and sorrow;
I'm glad you're on my side,
For whatever comes tomorrow.

You're my perfect partner,
Sweet lover, trusted friend.
We're safe within our love,
A love that will never end.

There's a place in your heart nobody's been.
Take me there.
Things nobody knows, not even your friends.
Take me there.
Tell me about your momma, your daddy, your home town, show me around.
I wanna see it all, don't leave anything out.

I wanna know, everything about you.
And I wanna go, down every road you've been.
Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live, where you keep the rest of your life hid.
I wanna know the boy behind those tattoos.
Take me there.

Where you learned about life, spent your summer nights, without a care.
Take me there.
I wanna roll down mainstreet and backroads like you did when you were a kid.
What makes you who you are, tell me what your story is.

I wanna know, everything about you.

You will never be without

I ache for you everyday, Brandon. Waiting and waiting.... I am making my mind go non stop with the thought of being with you. Are you serious? Dead serious? Completely Serious? 100% Serious?. I am ready to just walk away from everything to be in your arms. I am scared too. I embrace every word you give me and they feed my need for you. I have needs that I never would have known if I hadn't met you. From the moment I encountered you, the first few words you spoke and the way you carried yourself I knew you were exactly what I had been searching for and never knew it! Until then I had settled for everything that I never wanted. After then you are everything I dreamed of. Your age is young but your mind is mature. Are you ready to be settled into a life? No more running? No more wondering? The trials I have underwent to get to where I am at today, I never will wish that path on anybody. Their are many things that are very complicated, sad and depressing. I should really be living on the streets and be completely addicted to meth with a need for alcohol. But the only thing I am addicted to is YOU and chapstick. I am ready to enjoy you and I want you to enjoy me and appreciate everything that will happen in our daily lives. Not because it is necessary but because it comes natural.

These extras that you say you are going to do just for me to come to you are overwhelming, Brandon. I don't need new paint or a rug, but if that is what it takes for you to feel good inside, then thats what it takes. It is over whelming because your need to provide comfort is tremendous. What my feet will feel like on a rug, or the color of paint that my eyes will look at everyday to the hook on the wall. I love you for what you are doing for us.

I want to hold your hand everyday and walk thru life with you. I will provide every emotional need you have and give you all that is in me. I will love your family and treat them as my own. You will never be without. I will spank your bottom when you are bad..:) and embrace you when you are good. <3.....

The Way You Make Me Feel

Hey Sexy Baby With The Tattos on
You Give Me Fever Like I've Never, Ever Known
You're Just A Product Of Handsomeness
I Like The Groove Of Your Walk,Your Talk,Your Voice
I Feel Your Fever From Miles Around
I'll Pick You Up In My Car And We'll Paint The Town

Just Kiss Me Baby And Tell Me Twice
That You're The One For Me
The Way You Make Me Feel
You Really Turn Me On
You Knock Me Off Of My Feet
My Lonely Days Are Gone

I Like The Feelin' You're Givin' Me
Just Hold Me Baby And I'm In Ecstasy
Oh I'll Be Workin' From Nine To Five
To Buy You Things To Keep You By My Side
I Never Felt So In Love Before
Just Promise Baby, You'll Love Me Forevermore
I Swear I'm Keeping You Satisfied 'Cause You're The One For Me

Ain't Nobody's Business,But Mine And My Baby
You Really Turn Me On, You Knock Me Off Of My Feet
Give It To Me, Give Me Some Time
Come On Be My Baby, I Wanna Be With Mine